I Do

18Jul15 – Today I was supposed to say my vows… but I didn’t. Seven months ago my ex-fiance decided to call off the wedding, after being in a relationship for more than 8 years and engaged for around 2 and a half years. We were doing just fine until the wedding planning takes place.

Long distance relationship is hard but I thought we can pull it off. We’ve been in this setup for a year before he proposed. It was a mutual decision to work in different countries for personal fulfillment and to save up for the wedding, and ultimately, our future together.

When we started planning for the wedding, personal differences arose. Choosing the wedding date is complicated since we have to consider the most convenient time for both of us and our family members (some of which are also OFWs) to fly back. When we finally settled the date, we reserved our slot in the church and we started paying up for reservations of other suppliers. When I thought everything is still under budget, for him it seems over the top, lavish and grand. We always end up arguing if we still need to push through our church wedding and he insisted on having a civil vows instead.

I got tired of all those arguments. I started to drift away and communicate less because I know that everytime we start to talk, we end up fighting. I was also busy with my ongoing project at work that and I was working until late night. I no longer wait for him (due to time difference) to reach home and skype him. I would directly go to sleep without calling him because I feel that I do not deserve to be mentally and physically exhausted. We still exchange daily routinary “good morning” and “good night” messages but we were not “really talking” to each other. This went on for weeks and none of us wants to reach out this time. Then one day, he told me he is no longer happy.

The moment he said he is no longer happy I knew he wanted a break-up. We argued about time and effort and communication most of the time but I felt that this one is different; this one is BIG. I tried to save our relationship and promised him that I’ll exert more effort; but his answer is always a firm NO. We agreed that we will rethink about our relationship then finalize and decide when we meet (which is in two weeks time).

We reached Manila in 2 weeks and decided to meet in a mall. I saw him first but I didn’t approached him. I was looking at him from a distance and I was thinking if I am ready to let him go. I didn’t missed him that much at that moment… all I feel is hatred. He finally saw me so I approached him. We had a talk and decided to end things completely. That day should be our prenup photoshoot, we end up officially breaking up instead.

I remember we agreed to stay friends and continue to communicate even after our break-up but we didn’t. He didn’t reached out to me and neither did I. My pride is keeping me to reach out first but believe me there were a lot of times that I was tempted to hit the send button. Nonetheless, this much space made me heal faster.

Today, I’ve prepared my own version of “I Do”. This is waaaaaaay too different than I envisioned (years ago) to be delivering this day but some things are not always as what we planned…

Here it goes:

 

I do… hate you for making me feel I was not good enough for you. You said you couldn’t marry the person I’ve become. That I was different from the girl you met 8 years back. I hope you know that when you cancelled on me, my world fell apart and my future became unclear. We already planned our lives after the wedding and I was ready to leave everything behind. I already told my company that I will no longer work for them (good thing they took me back). I was preparing my life with you but you still chose to throw all those 8 years behind. I hate you for proposing marriage to me when you are unsure if you really want to be with me 100%. I hate you for letting me take care of the cancellation of all the reservations and made me explain to everyone what happened. I hate you for not giving any courtesy gesture to my parents (an apology or a phone call perhaps); they accepted you to our family and you were that quick to bail out. I hate you for putting me in this embarassing situation where I feel so helpless and pitiful (and you know how much I dislike being pitied by anybody). I never hated anyone as much as I hated you.

 

I do… forgive you for cancelling on me. Our breakup was the most heartbreaking experience for me and it crushed me down to the core. I never thought I could feel such pain and I am capable of expreriencing and over coming such. But even after all that, I still forgive you. I have no bitterness or whatsoever because before all of those… you made me happy, you made me feel loved. You taught me how to love unconditionally, be caring, be thoughful and be trustful. You taught me that sometimes, I can let my guard down, be vulnerable and be a damsel in distress because there is someone who got my back. You were once my prince who made me feel that I was a lovely and precious princess that deserved to be pampered. We eat out, watch movies, stay home and play game consoles, go on vacation trips, get drunk and more. You encouraged me and filled me with confidence. You do not agree to some of my “adventurous” dreams but you still support me somehow. I can say that for those 8 years that we were together, most of it are happy times. You will always be my first love. I never loved anyone the way I loved you.

 

I do… forgive myself and stopped blaming myself for this failed relationship. I always thought it was my fault because I can’t make you stay. That I did not showed you (or made you feel) how much I really really loved you. You always mentioned that I never prioritized you over other things. I was full of what if’s. I was thinking of things that I should have done to save our relationship. But now, I’m done with that… I’m done blaming myself. If you really wanted to be with me, you should have stayed with me no matter what. Even if I throw the largest mood swings, you will understand and still wants to be with me. I now see it as a blessing that we decided to part ways instead of pursuing the marriage, as it may eventually lead to separation (which is a bigger story). If it is meant to be, it will be; if it is not, it never will be. I’ve never shed much tears for anybody else but you, but I’m done crying now.

 

I do… look forward in finding someone who will love me as I am… after I’m finished finding myself.

“You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.” -Jane Roberts

I’m now in self-awareness phase. In line with my upcoming 30th year, I’m trying to complete myself before I accept someone new to my life. I realized that I expected so much from my previous relationship but I can only give so little. They say, to be able to give as much, one must be able to love one’s self as much. I’m a work in progress, preparing myself for better things to come. 😊

-Gel